Sunday, March 07, 2010
thoughts
I don't think it has to do with turning 30. I think that's more coincidence. But I'm really feeling far from God lately.There's a verse in the Bible that says to 'always be prepared to give a reason for the hope that you have.'. I have often struggled with that. It simply means to be ready to tell others why you believe. Why would I struggle with that? I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that he died for our sins. I don't question it. But that sounds so rehearsed, so trite, so simple, so like something you're 'supposed' to say rather than something that is real to you.
I don't struggle with it anymore. The hope that I have is simply that: Hope. I work at a news station. I actually take in a lot LESS news than you'd think I would working there, but at the same time, I catch a lot of news that I otherwise wouldn't. This world is scary. Do you know that? Terrifying. The thing that stands out the most is the way some children are treated. How can children be treated so horribly, so purposely? They're not just simply neglected and abused, things we see so often in the foster care system. But there are stories out there of children tortured in unimaginable ways. I hear, read, the stories and want to block my mind from them. But I can't, because they're REAL. Worse than movies.
I don't know how I'd deal with that without hope. Without the hope of Christ, I would see no purpose in this life. I would NOT want to have children in this world. Without hope it all seems so completely and utterly...hopeless. Dark, dreary, and hopeless.
When this weighs me down, when I start to feel depressed about the world I live in, there is only one direction I can go - to God. It's not just about being able to say that Jesus died for our sins. It's about having it mean something, deep down, to the core of who you are. It's about knowing that because God is REAL, that because I am his child, there is hope. There is hope that this world is not all there is. There is hope that there is good in the world. Positive. There is hope in knowing that because He loves me, he guides and protects me, and I am not alone.
All this, and I go back to where I am now.
Feeling somewhat out of it. Far from that hope. I find myself lately being too critical. Snapping at and speaking harshly to my husband. Judging people and things in my mind: silly, shallow judgements. Not caring the way I should for people. Not watching what I say, so as to say things that could be hurtful if interpreted that way. Feeling like a horrible mother. My motivation sometimes disappears, and I find myself just wanting to take a long bath, bury myself in a good book or watch tv to avoid the responsibility of the day. I don't do it, because I simply can't, but then I end up doing all the day to day tasks somewhat grudgingly, definitely not happily. And where is hope in that?
And so this is me, far from God. Knowing that I believe in Him and knowing that I need Him. Knowing that even when my relationship with God is starving, He is there, waiting for me. Waiting to forgive me for all the wrong in my life, that at times like this all comes flooding back into my memory. Waiting to forgive me for all the wrong from today, yesterday.
There is actually some hope in the simple fact that I am far from God. I'm glad that choosing to be a believer in Christ means that I don't have to be perfect. Thank the Lord. I don't have to become better in all those ways before I can be close to God again.
It's 9:54 right now, and my almost-18-month-old is now sleeping, I think. We put him to bed at 8, but he kept getting up, calling out for his mommy. When I pick him up he cuddles into me, as close as he can possibly get. Is he not feeling well? i don't know? But I came back to writing this and it made me think of my relationship with God.
I have to turn to God again, call out to him, cuddle in as close as I can get and soak up the comfort in that. Ask for his forgiveness and ask him to help me be who he wants me to be. There is hope in knowing that being a loving, and lovable, person is not all up to me. I simply can't do it myself.
Thank the Lord.
by yellowgirl at 9:00 PM |
3 Comments:
Two quick thoughts, with the caveat that you know that I don't necessarily come from the same place as you when it comes to faith. That said:
1) I think it's practically impossible to be on the path you want to be all the time. The world around us can be frustrating and bog us down. The fact that you notice it and struggle with it, to me, is a good thing. Blind faith worries me a lot more than constantly seeking, questioning, reaffirming.
2) I can't even fathom the possibility that you're a horrible mother. I expect that every mom feels at times that they are, but seriously? You're awesome at it.
3) There's nothing wrong with taking a break from the world - taking a long bath, burying yourself in a good book or watching tv to avoid the responsibility of the day are the ways we recharge. You NEED that in your life. It's probably rare that you can find it, but you should always take it when you can and never feel guilty about it. It is not selfish. It will make you calmer, more patient and by extension a better person, a better wife and a better mother.
1) You're right, and i thought about writing something to that effect. And faith is not completely blind. You have to have some degree of faith to not believe as well. And many Christians are also constantly seeking, questioning and reaffirming.
3) I expected someone to say that. Those are things I've always done when i need a break. The problem comes when it becomes ALL I want to do, and when I know the reason behind it isn't to take a break - it's to hide from responsibility.
Thanks for sharing so honestly. I've been there before too, and I'll be there again and again. It's so easy for me to think that my faith journey should be a linear, upward climb, but it most certainly isn't! I hope you find some time soon to get away and have quality time with God.
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